The Pug, the Lion, and King Solomon

I'm on my way to the pickup point to collect a package. An anime tie. From China. It took two months to arrive. But I was ready to wait — it looked really striking in the picture. I couldn't find anything like it here.

I climb the stairs and walk into the pickup point. Ahead of me in the queue stands a decently dressed man in his middle years with a dog on a leash. A grey, well-fed pug. Its face is flat and displeased, like a gargoyle from Notre-Dame. Its lower jaw juts forward. It stands there puffing. It stares at me. And its owner, on the contrary, has turned his back and isn't looking.

Bored of waiting. Let me have some fun, I think. And suddenly I growl at the dog: "Rrrrrrrrrr woof-woof!"

The pug unexpectedly gets scared and wedges itself between the pickup counter and its owner's legs. A house dog, apparently, and not ready for such a turn of events. Its owner collects the package and tugs on the leash. But the dog won't move. It sits down on its fat bottom.

And then the man — in a tender, caring, loving voice:

— Come on, darling. Don't be afraid. He won't bite!

And then I realize this is probably about me, because there's no one else in the queue besides us. I raise my eyes and meet the man's gaze. He looks at me as if I were an enemy of the people. A cold squint. Like a wolf. I immediately picture the basements of the Lubyanka, where a man like that interrogates you: "Confess, why did you hurt my dog? Why did you drive my pug to a heart attack?"

I make a puzzled face, as if to say, what are you talking about? The pug finally gets up, and its owner leads it away.

And then I remember how, at the Prague Zoo, I growled at a lion.

Prague has a very beautiful, large zoo. I stopped by the lion's enclosure. The lion was calmly pacing back and forth. And suddenly it let out a roar! Deafening — even the other animals raised their heads. I thought: "Why is the lion allowed to roar, and I'm not?" And, stepping closer to the enclosure, I let out a loud "Arrrrrrrrrr!"

A silent scene. The surrounding zoo visitors and the guard froze in their poses. They stared at me in astonishment. And the lion just let out a pitiful "Meow" and disappeared into its den. It didn't come out again.

"What if I've learned the language of beasts, like the mighty King Solomon? Now I can command them!" — I daydreamed.

Meanwhile, I was asked to show my barcode. I took my long-awaited tie and left.